Old Pyrates Never Die

Old Pyrates Never Die...

"I had a foreshadowing dream the other night as I slumbered in my cabin. A prophecy if you will. It was horrible and it chilled me to the bone. I'll relate it to you as it showed itself unto me, only praying that it doesn't play true..."

The date was June 1st 1726. It was exactly six months to the day since the Eidos Dons waged total war on the Cutthroat forum; erasing all the stories, deleting entire posts and obliterating whole ports in one massive purge. I'd been pillaging the Caribbean for only a short piece when I pulled into the famed pyrate port of Tortuga for supplies. Tortuga looked nothing like I'd remembered; weary and broken down it consisted of a few weathered shacks scattered amongst heaps of dung and charred rubble. The once proud governors mansion appeared to be collapsing on its foundation high up on a hill overlooking the town. The only sign of life at all was a dim glow emanating from the broken windows of a nearby tavern. The place reeked of mildew and decay. I went in and sat myself down for a bowl of grog.

Nearby a group of wizened old sea captains were trading tales of glories past. I pulled a little closer and suddenly recognized them as a few of the famous veterans of the Cutthroat seas. There was Ol' Codger te Bastid, Ache E. Bones, Madscrew Loose and Admiral Thomas TooOld of Rhode Island. I turned an ear towards their conversations.

"Aye those were te days alright Ol' Codger" said Ache E. "Remember how we used te pillage an loot at will. Nobody could stop us, that is until that Eidos machine came and stole our heritage away. I needs anozer drink"

"Aye, an we all fought against dat scurvy bastard Ol' Man." said Admiral TooOld. "I can still hear 'm saying 'Pay yer taxes te me agent in Puerto Bella' Haarr Haarr."

The group joined in a hearty round of laughter then Madscrew Loose replied "All dat I's remember is chasin' yer scurvy alliance formin' hide te perditions edge! <spit! cough, cough> But me memories not whot it used te be"

"Ye know Madscrew, ever since that dastardly Eidos purging, all that's left o' those days is our fading memories" responded a slouched Ol' Codger.

"Let's 'ave anozer drink te the memories o' battles waged." piped up Ache E. Bones "Serving wench! Anozer round o' rum fer me old shipmates!"

The barmaid brought 4 large tankards over and thumped them down on the table. With a subtle motion honed through years of experience; Ache E. Bones reached over and grabbed ahold of the barmaids @ss saying "Come 'ere an give me sum lovin' Cupo'scotch"

I tell you my gentle listener; I almost spit a mouthful of grog all over the bar at what came next. The barmaid spun like greased lightning and with a swift swing of her massive forearm shouted "The name's ButterScotch yew pervy pyrate!" as she proceeded to knock Ache E.'s teeth right out of his mouth and onto the floor. "Wew fwuckin wenemous whore" cursed Ache E. as he readjusted his eyepatch, picked up his teeth, dipped them in the tankard o' rum and replaced them in his stricken mouth.

Just then I heard the tavern door groan on its hinges. Still hoping to find some able bodied seamen I could recruit, I was dismayed to see one more old man enter the tavern followed by another. I didn't recognize the first although he somehow appeared French as he leaned heavily on a crooked cane. But the second was a person who could hardly be mistaken, with curly grey locks cascading over the epaulets of his bright red woolen captains coat adorned with buttons of highly polished gold. It was the famous zillionaire pyrate Sir Hearme Moanin. Ol' Codger rose shakily and shouted, "Shiver me timbers! I wouldna believe it if'n I didna see wit me own two eyes! Sir Hearme Moanin an' Captain Creeky. Come o'er 'ere an 'ave a drink wit yer old shipmates! How've ye been?"

"Aaargh, not tew good Ol' Codger" Sir Moanin replied as he took a seat with the group, "Appens when te Eidos Dons purged te forum fer te very last time they also wiped out all my accounts an' erased all my treasure maps. I'm completely broke! All's I got left are te clothes on me back an' me stunning good looks." Sir Moanin nodded to the others "but it does me 'eart good tew see old friends such as yerselves. I'd never admit it before, but I love all you scurvy sea dogs, even you Admiral TooOld"

Captain Creeky who had apparently fallen asleep on his feet suddenly sprang to life. "TooOld! Did someone say TooOld! Where is the bleedin' bastard? I'm still aimin' te collect on his bounty!" Captain Creeky scanned the group for a minute and gradually focused in on the Admiral. "There you are TooOld, I finally caught up with ye!" pronounced Captain Creeky as he shook his twisted oaken cane in the general direction of the Admiral.

"Nah Creeky yew crazy frog" responded the Admiral. "Yew never could catch me before and it's too late now. All the bounties have been rescinded along with everything else we used tew have"

The group continued their banter and reminisces as I finished my bowl of grog. I dropped a few pieces of eight on the bar top and gave one last glance at the distinguished gathering of veterans and what they had been reduced to before I headed back to my ship. Convinced that there was no future for a pyrate in the Caribbean anymore ever since the Eidos Dons erased the pyrate legacy. "G-d D--n those Eidos bastards" I cursed under my breath as I vowed revenge for their reckless act of war. Slipping my cables I headed back to the open sea. . . .

"The above prophecy was a true account of an actual dream. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. --- Attested this 17th day of June in the year of our lord, 1640.

William Fly, Tortuga."

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	Old Pyrates Never Die... "I had a foreshadowing dream the other night as I slumbered in my cabin. A prophecy if you will. It was horrible and it chilled me to the bone. I'll relate it to you as it showed itself unto me, only praying that it doesn't play true..." The date was June 1st 1726. It was exactly six months to the day since the Eidos Dons waged total war on the Cutthroat forum; erasing all the stories, deleting entire posts and obliterating whole ports in one massive purge. I'd been pillaging the Caribbean for only a short piece when I pulled into the famed pyrate port of Tortuga for supplies. Tortuga looked nothing like I'd remembered; weary and broken down it consisted of a few weathered shacks scattered amongst heaps of dung and charred rubble. The once proud governors mansion appeared to be collapsing on its foundation high up on a hill overlooking the town. The only sign of life at all was a dim glow emanating from the broken windows of a nearby tavern. The place reeked of mildew and decay. I went in and sat myself down for a bowl of grog. Nearby a group of wizened old sea captains were trading tales of glories past. I pulled a little closer and suddenly recognized them as a few of the famous veterans of the Cutthroat seas. There was Ol' Codger te Bastid, Ache E. Bones, Madscrew Loose and Admiral Thomas TooOld of Rhode Island. I turned an ear towards their conversations. "Aye those were te days alright Ol' Codger" said Ache E. "Remember how we used te pillage an loot at will. Nobody could stop us, that is until that Eidos machine came and stole our heritage away. I needs anozer drink" "Aye, an we all fought against dat scurvy bastard Ol' Man." said Admiral TooOld. "I can still hear 'm saying 'Pay yer taxes te me agent in Puerto Bella' Haarr Haarr." The group joined in a hearty round of laughter then Madscrew Loose replied "All dat I's remember is chasin' yer scurvy alliance formin' hide te perditions edge! <spit! cough, cough> But me memories not whot it used te be" "Ye know Madscrew, ever since that dastardly Eidos purging, all that's left o' those days is our fading memories" responded a slouched Ol' Codger. "Let's 'ave anozer drink te the memories o' battles waged." piped up Ache E. Bones "Serving wench! Anozer round o' rum fer me old shipmates!" The barmaid brought 4 large tankards over and thumped them down on the table. With a subtle motion honed through years of experience; Ache E. Bones reached over and grabbed ahold of the barmaids @ss saying "Come 'ere an give me sum lovin' Cupo'scotch" I tell you my gentle listener; I almost spit a mouthful of grog all over the bar at what came next. The barmaid spun like greased lightning and with a swift swing of her massive forearm shouted "The name's ButterScotch yew pervy pyrate!" as she proceeded to knock Ache E.'s teeth right out of his mouth and onto the floor. "Wew fwuckin wenemous whore" cursed Ache E. as he readjusted his eyepatch, picked up his teeth, dipped them in the tankard o' rum and replaced them in his stricken mouth. Just then I heard the tavern door groan on its hinges. Still hoping to find some able bodied seamen I could recruit, I was dismayed to see one more old man enter the tavern followed by another. I didn't recognize the first although he somehow appeared French as he leaned heavily on a crooked cane. But the second was a person who could hardly be mistaken, with curly grey locks cascading over the epaulets of his bright red woolen captains coat adorned with buttons of highly polished gold. It was the famous zillionaire pyrate Sir Hearme Moanin. Ol' Codger rose shakily and shouted, "Shiver me timbers! I wouldna believe it if'n I didna see wit me own two eyes! Sir Hearme Moanin an' Captain Creeky. Come o'er 'ere an 'ave a drink wit yer old shipmates! How've ye been?" "Aaargh, not tew good Ol' Codger" Sir Moanin replied as he took a seat with the group, "Appens when te Eidos Dons purged te forum fer te very last time they also wiped out all my accounts an' erased all my treasure maps. I'm completely broke! All's I got left are te clothes on me back an' me stunning good looks." Sir Moanin nodded to the others "but it does me 'eart good tew see old friends such as yerselves. I'd never admit it before, but I love all you scurvy sea dogs, even you Admiral TooOld" Captain Creeky who had apparently fallen asleep on his feet suddenly sprang to life. "TooOld! Did someone say TooOld! Where is the bleedin' bastard? I'm still aimin' te collect on his bounty!" Captain Creeky scanned the group for a minute and gradually focused in on the Admiral. "There you are TooOld, I finally caught up with ye!" pronounced Captain Creeky as he shook his twisted oaken cane in the general direction of the Admiral. "Nah Creeky yew crazy frog" responded the Admiral. "Yew never could catch me before and it's too late now. All the bounties have been rescinded along with everything else we used tew have" The group continued their banter and reminisces as I finished my bowl of grog. I dropped a few pieces of eight on the bar top and gave one last glance at the distinguished gathering of veterans and what they had been reduced to before I headed back to my ship. Convinced that there was no future for a pyrate in the Caribbean anymore ever since the Eidos Dons erased the pyrate legacy. "G-d D--n those Eidos bastards" I cursed under my breath as I vowed revenge for their reckless act of war. Slipping my cables I headed back to the open sea. . . . "The above prophecy was a true account of an actual dream. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. --- Attested this 17th day of June in the year of our lord, 1640. William Fly, Tortuga."